sueno

some recent pics of issy and me

2007-02-20T08:20:00.000-08:00

isaac and i dealing with being apart for a glorious 3 1/2 months

together!!!

the silence is over...

2007-02-20T08:02:00.000-08:00

yes, thats right, i am blogging again! I finally feel that i have something to say...much has happened....although most of you are aware thati will be marrying Isaac Morton on June 16th....i also just found out that this is Sheri McConell's birthaday! what an honor...

as i was showering this morning, i began to think about this funny pizza delivery man named Dudley...he delivered my pizza 2 nights ago, and i used to work with him at cafe 22...hes in his 40's and has been delivering pizza for i think 20 years or so...anyways he rambles incessently and began talking about global warming....he said that we have around 50-100 years before its a ll over....

well,i am not sure how acurate those figures are, but either way its a frightening thought...as i was showering i added 50 years onto my present age...of course i rounded it up to 30...so in fifty more years i would be 80...i was flooded with the reality of my possible death at the age of 80. i hope, that with a heatlhy lifestyle i could live beyond this...but it made me understand why 45 year old men/women, rush out and try to live the fastest, youngest life they can, faced with the reality that they too could die soon. its a big thought...one life, one chance. it made me very somber...and i asked myself, am i living my life as i truly desire....will i regret my decisions?

suddenly i felt an overwhelming urge to love God as best as i can, to live a full and good life and to no longer let fear prevent me from doing the things i love. in many areas...fear holds me back from succeeding...a word used loosely as success to me equates being true to your heart....i realize that this is idealistic, but at the same time it really challenged me to move forward with my dreams and not to settle for an average life (average to me) for the sake of comfort and ease....

i really want to explore and live. there is so much i want to see and do...i realize that all of this requires stuggle and risk, but for some reason i was all the more excited to undertake that reality...in exchange for a possible life with no bounds....

so what do i love, what do i dream for, what is realistic (hee hee)

i will ponder this today....

and start tommorow...(lets hope)

home

2006-07-26T13:56:00.000-07:00

hey kids i'm in the peg at last!

yahahahahahhayahahahah!!!

please call me on my old cell number and i will hook up with all of you in time...

cam...i'll see you saturday..

love you

in reply....

2006-07-21T17:19:00.000-07:00

YAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!

Cam I would love to have a sweet pub nite to catch up.....coffee would be fine as well...i will be getting in at 1:39 on July 25th.....

Awwww Tony....i can't wait to see you dude...seriously...i wish you could have been here to experience the rugby soccer maddness that has been happening...if sjayla thinks you are a tool for skipping class...she would'nt beleive what happens here...the whole freakin country shuts down!

no joel...the boy can't come...hes finishing school...but...he will come over soon...than we can all torment him because hes a kiwi in canada....hahahah finally he can see what it feels like! (was that evil???)

and.....

this is hilarious...

we had a HUGE snow storm in the south island the past month...in fact it was so devastating that all the roads were closed adn the major cities without power for up to 10 days!!! the amount of snow you ask...

around two feet or soo...isn't that ridiculous! the proud winnipeg survivor surely kicked in at this point....i walk to work without shoes in minus 40 and uphill both ways!! sorry new zealand...thats lame.
laughed till it hurt....thought you would appreciate that:)

ok...does anyone want to pick me up from the airport? i still need to find a ride!

i can't wait to see you all my precious's.......gollum...gollum...

time to come home

2006-07-20T03:32:00.000-07:00

Hey guys...

it has been awhile...again:)

i had a fabulous trip down to the South island with Isaac....only a few hitches..ok, a lot but thats a story for later...it turned out to be a pretty ghetto trip...lots of time spent sleeping uncomfortably in the back of cars and stuff like that.
the scenery was incredible. Unfortunately, my camera broke...can you beleive it!! no pictures...i was sooo bummed....i did some video taping though...you can be sure to look forward to hours of boring video photage with me rambling on about hobbits, isaac snikering and footage of trees rushing by...obscuring the oh so beautiful scenery.

i did...get close to some of the lord of te Rings locations. the sets are no longer there so it was a bit of a bummer...but seriously folks the landscape is incredible!

guess what everyone.....

i'm coming home!!

thats right...on July 24th at 1:39pm i will be landing in winnipeg.....cool huh?!

i decided i was very very broke and it was time to save soem serious pesos.

and i missed everyone like crazy....!

soooooo

i can't wait to see you....

can't wait...

i don't have much more to say except that i will be kken for a pint and some catch up with you all...well...the ones in the country anyway...

hey kids

2006-06-13T15:11:00.000-07:00

hey guys...

i'm back from the dead....well......lets see..

i have been up to lots of stuff....Seriously i am doing great and learning lots and lots and lots...

First off...

Isaac and i are heading down to the south island for a 3 week roadtrip...it will be super fun and i can't wait...yes..yes..we will see al the lord of the rings sets..(much to Isaac's dismay i will be dragging him to it...hahahah)and the south just got a blizzard so we will be jumping into lots of snow! the jealousy is now reversed as i want to be in the peg chillin in the sun...but noooo...i am in new zealand where they drive on the wrong side of the road, eat fish and chips for breakfast and are 'keen' to do everything...

not a fair whine...ok, i take it back...hahah..

sooo, this leads to the next adventure. i basically lost most of the hours at my jobs because it is now winter and business is terribly slow....and as par normal i am broke and trying to think of clever ways to save money...plus i am heading to the south and need to pay for gas....impending pressure is on!

so i went all over town looking for a job....i got a 2 week stint bartending at 'lattiude' a posh bar in the downtown where i get to fake laugh and say...oh stop it you..to the rich 50 year old man who is hititng on me.....a job at beaches...the worst cafe ever where they work you like a dog and then say ' um..barb...i think you might need to repolish those tables...i see a spot..." ahhhhhhh!!!! and finally a job at the dairy up my road...no, not a cow farm but an equivalent to our 7-eleven with a fish and chip takeaway section....this job ruled..basically...i stand there...eat chips, and read magazines....the boss is a sweet dude who explained my job like this:"basically...if a good song comes on the radio...turn it up...if a bad song comes on....turn it off...(insert bellow laugh)" isn't that hilarious! i love that job..its either construction workers or little kids...its the best.

i am only working 3 days each at all these jobs so its quite funny. i have been in a super good mood for quite some time.

Isaac and i are good...relationships are hard work and super lovely.....isaac is patient and always fun...i am a bit of a maniac so hes nearing sainthood any moment now. we are super pumped to hit the south...i for the lord of the rings..he for snowboarding...he has never driven in snow and i can't drive standard...sooo...please pray for us....winnipeg can't help out this time...

also i have been learning lots about my state of mind...i have been seeing a counselor which is helping heaps...please pray for me guys...its really hard but super beneficial. i feel like i am coming back into the woman i always was, apart from all the maddness and expectations that swirl around me. i really want to be free of this stuff and rooted in God once again. i am learning to trust and to relax a bit. it has created lots of upheaval in certain areas of my life, so pray i don't abandon it as i know it will be good at the end. i am really strapped for money and want to jet home but really feel i need to see this emotional/spiritual fight out for a bit longer. i feel on the precipice and don't want to go. i really need your prayer support if thats cool. its something i can't do by myself.

hmmmm...aside from that, i miss you all as usual...

just so you don't feel left out of my lord of the rings adventure...(hhha i'm such an jerk)

i have included some kiwi lingo to practise at home...

keen- to be excited or ready...ie) hey matt, do you want to go to the lord of the rings sets...matt: yea...i'm keen.

heaps- in place of lots....ie) i have heaps of debt, heaps of jobs, heaps of things to do.

choice-really good...ie) that coffee is choice! tony is choice...or just...choice as a response to something you like..

gutted-very bad feeling...ie) i am gutted that i missed that its warm in winnipeg and i am frezzing my little butt off because we don't have central heating...or just gutted.

missus- girlfriend (i was introduced so much as the missus i'm not sure if anyone knows my real name)

kia ora- hello, thank you

yawn- to talk to someone..ie) i had a yawn with jac for awhile

hoon- mootch...can i have a hoon on those fries.

lollies-candy

capsicum-peppers

yah dirty-you jerk

how you going-hows it giong

and the list goes on....

it is freezing so please send scarves and toques and mitties...

love you

the boy and life in general

2006-05-18T16:12:00.000-07:00

ok..ok..ok!!! here is the freakin pictures you all have been asking after...I couldn't develop fast enough for ya...hope you like them...i included some shots of him with his band cause thats a big part of his life...besides me and God and all that stuff..

sooooo...i am well...really well...it has been a hard couple of weeks...learning a lot about myself and all the things that have been weighing me down.. i am learning to rest...and face fear, and get over having to be 'something' apart from what i am...honestly..i am seriously coming back to a good place with Christ. I realized that so many expectations surround me...my own high standards for my life, and those which were unconsiously placed on me by others...this would lead to my feeling the need to have to perform or live up to an exhausting standard. i know God brought me here to gain some perspective and to gain some health in order to not work myself into the ground..

there have also been a lot of signs pointing to my absolute need to begin creating art...calling myself an artist and making it a priority...Isaac and i went down to wellington for my birthday..(which was sweet) and on our hitchhike back..we were picked up by none other than a woman who was an actress/photographer/ppoet/and film worker..who was convinietly heading straight to the mount (where i live).which is seriously 7 hours north...crazy? yep.

we drove all the way home with her and she basically counselled and exhorted me to make a lot of art! hahha it was random and a moment where God got me at my own game...i was stunned and honored.

isaac and i are good...we hit a rough patch as i was going crazy dealing with my over analytical mind and trying to find ways to get out as it scared me to truly have met someone genuine who really loves me. its amazing and after wrestling with my own fears i have come to a sweet place where i am overwhelmed by the gift of him in my life..he truly is a lovey man and i am so grateful for him...i am a lucky girl...a lucky girl.

on a lighter note....guess whati did for my birthday.....Matt...Cam....Ren...

I WENT TO THE LORD OF THE RINGS EXHIBIT!!!!

oh yeah....

it was INCREDIBLE...

i got to see the sets, models, costumes, and storyboards.....it was wicked, i nerded out entirely and Isaac saw my true nature...and the whole time i kept thinking..'i can't wait to tell the guys.....they will be soooooo jealous...'

so there...i told you.....yep:)

aside from that i am chillin in the mount till the middle of June...then heading to the south island for 3 weeks....then over to aussie landfor a brief stint...i am trying to sort out whats next but i may be home the end of august...sweet hey:)

i miss you guys and love you...see cam...i took your advice and updated my blog.....(smile)

i even got to touch treebeard....sigh....

Here he is....my handsome isaac:) and me of course...

ok...this is more like it....

another pic....

heres isaac with his band brick vs face..i know that sounds silly....hardcore man...hardcore...hes in red

another band shot

group band shot...isaacs in grey...thumb up...

Oi kids....i return...

2006-04-27T19:55:00.000-07:00

wow...its been some time....

a lot has happened..i am well, adjusted and chilling right out...i still work at 2 crappy jobs and walk to the beach when i can....i am eating fresh fruit off of trees and am finding myself saying 'yah bro' more than i wish...

kiwiland is beautiful and i am content..

sooooo, i have been distracted...i met a sweet kiwi lad and have been dating him for a month..that would explain the lack od communication for a month...there does that ket me off the hook! i have no pics right now but will post some later..his mname is isaac and he is a lovely assortment of talent, quirk and fun. he loves Jesus and loves me....i will write more in time, just know hes a keeper and i am very happy..

i have gone on some missions..treks up to the natural hotsprings and hiking into the greenest bush you have ever seen...i definately want to be a hobbit here....there are so many cool caves to burrow in...

i am moving to Auckland city for a bit in june..i have met some great friends and want some time to really get creative...the city offers a lot more accessabilty so it will be easier to make an art dungeon there...

as well i am heading into the south island for july...july is NZ's winter so i will have to wear my mitts as its a whopping minus 2 or 3! so ridiculous....i tell you...

i will write more info at a later blog...i have been uploading pics for an hour and am over it!

here are some pics...

i will post more...

i love you guys and miss you tonnes....you all are the best and i hope you know it!

Auckland...

beautiful dancer....

yeah bro!!!

I found an amazing graffiti wall in auckland....choice!

More of the wall

A sweet couple at a summer festival...note the bare feet....no one wears shoes in this country

Typical Maori Tattoos...

the motor inn close to my flat

This ones for Tony...the best old man ever at an auckland street festival

me yo!

More sweet grafitti

I like this metaphor...the natural surviving in the urban...

The infamous Puc......my other roomate

Bahahaahahahah!!!

Our crazy friend lex!

Lord of the Rings anyone?

What a sweet climbing tree!!

The beautiful beach

You can see how green New Zealand is.

warm sand.....yummy

This is the Mount which is central to the town...it adjoinns the beach and is fun to hike..

Here is Jacs and I happy after a long hard day of beaching...

it figures:)

2006-02-12T16:38:00.000-08:00

well...heres another update from the trenches...

after a long week of job hunting and getting settled i have come out the other side unscathed...

new zealand is wierd...houses don't come equipped with fridges so we are on a fridge hunt...you buy fridges at the sally ann the same as you would furniture..so...i have been eating a lot of peanut butter sandwiches with some greasy fish and chips thrown in:)

this week i went mad trying to find a job...i found 3 jobs all at once but continued to bear in mind that i am trying not to be a workaholic.

so i took a night gig at a seafood restaurant..(the boss is a bit harsh but i like her feist...)shes says fuck more than any person i know...i have to be careful but to suggest the 'fuckin scallop entre' to our customers after hearing it so often from the peanut gallery..

and i got a job at a turkish restaurant called 'zeytins'...pause...laughter! yeah i'm working for satan...its a nice job, but we have these strange group meetings where we wear cloaks and chant.hmmmmmm...

ok, maybe thats not funny but its a laugh out here...

i'm doing ok...i live in a beautiful beach town that surrounds a mountain....gorgeous!!

but...and heres the big but....i'm a bit dissapointed...new zealand is incredible..but i am having to deal with needing to find a different group of friends and a niche to work and grow...i am still unsettled and crazy want to go back to school..i love the people i have met..but i am noting that who i thought i was is not at all who i am anymore...a small setback, but i will need to find a group of people to call my own...i have a feeling i will head out to wellington sooner than not...for the time, i will settle and save, so i can travel some more..

tony...you completely know what i'm taking about...grrr...

aside from that...amazing coffee here..the most brilliant lattes (called flat whites here)i've ever had...i had to relearn how to make coffee..they do everything different here...suprise! as well i found the sweetest church..all youth and a vineyard to boot..they have a video team so you know what that means!

i totally miss all of you a lot and my winnipeg niche...ahh..growing pains are sweet aren't they...

everyone must move out here in under a month....i'll see you then..

love you

kia ora

2006-02-04T17:39:00.000-08:00

well...i have made it safely to kiwi land...it is beautiful and totally resembles BC...i feel at home and have nestled myself nicely into my downtown hostel(with some minor luggage lugging disastors...heavy=bad...)

i hung out today with a new friend from scotland and checked out all the shops...fun times were had as well as some spontaneous bum dancing (for you jac)

other than that..i am tired and ready for a nap...

i miss you guys and wish you well...i love you all and send you some sunshine...and some sheep:)

black and white is alright

2006-01-26T22:39:00.000-08:00

Some new pics...

2006-01-26T22:23:00.000-08:00

self potrait

abstract..

the workplace...

these shoes looked lonely...

My friend Mio tagged this on the side of Sukothai for me...
sweet and funny all at the same time:)

Return of the Pant suit.

2006-01-15T18:24:00.000-08:00

Is this not the most amazing pantsuit ever!

SPACE CAMP FOREVER!!!

PINK BUNNIES....

2006-01-15T18:20:00.000-08:00

hahahahahaha

i love my friends...

matty....this is for you....

i miss my BC crew.

its official

2006-01-13T13:45:00.000-08:00

i'm not a copy cat..

in response to my previous post i am simply a mutt of sorts...

who likes a mother load of things...

but oooooohhh!!!

so interesting...i should play trivia pursuit proffessionally..

bah!

2006-01-13T12:40:00.000-08:00

work is boring....

so boring...just me and the clothes and the internet....thankfully..

right now i have cleaned and organized everything i can think of...i am beggining to teeter on the edge of insanity...talking to myself and day dreaming as par usual...

this entry will take up approximately 10 minutes of my time which will carry me through until around 4:00.

i got my visa yesterday....am i pumped...i can't wait to go to NZ...

i was thinking in the shower yesterday that i might just stay for a year...if i could work for 6 months, perhaps i could travel to a variety of fabulous countries for the other 6....europe, the middle east and india come to mind...

yes, i am crazy...Tony stop rolling your eyes...i'm allowed to change my mind! (and Matt...you too)

i wanna wanna travel the world..i love it so much..

but i also wanna wanna not work in boring jobs like i do right now..

soooo i gotta gotta go to school...

at least i think so.

the number 27 really deters me...it makes me feel embarrassed that i don't have a polished career or husband to be..

i hate that...who bloody cares anyways?

but i would be pumped for someone to join in on my crazy adventures and to eat my leftovers cause i always make to much:)

i'm so freakin cute its disgusting...

i got these pink rubber boots with purple polka dots and i love them...

i can sploosh through puddles and pretend to be five...

again, it really ups the cute factor...

dang pink polka dot booties...

dang dang...

but thats ok...i used up around 20 years of my life dressing like a boy, so now i am allowed a couple of years to be an all out girl.

i want to buy heels...i love them..its wierd..

i used to want to be a model...and an undercover fbi agent that could fight, speak 40 languages and throw herself over walls.

this explains some of the conflict i suppose.

i used to want to be an archeologist...i would pour over books about ancient civilizations. it still fasinates me.

i wanted to be an actor/singer/dancer for awhile to..i threw my knee out before my university musical theatre audition and never got to do it.

i would beg God to make me good at sports...i hated high jump...field day was personal torment day...my body never did what i wanted it to...i still daydream about that.

i even went through a phase where i wanted to be a traveling evangelist...i had met several and the thought of being filled with the power of God and making people fall over was realy cool...(i actually loved God then and genuinely wanted to work for him).

hmmm...

i decided that if the starship enterprise ever materialized i would definately want to do that.

i like space travel.

i still am living in the save the world phase. i want to be a journalist and a life changer.

i also really wanted to be a scholar. I love learning and would jump at a chance to grow into a proffessor.

installation artist, photographer, filmaker, musician, pilot...

ridiculous...what the heck am i supposed to study in school!

confusing..

i think so..

but thats the overactive brain i live with...

but...

i secretly love it...i feel like amelie, happy in my little quriky world.

i just wish i got paid for it.

now you've read to the end....aren't you annoyed you just did that..

ha ha it was catchy...

the end.

to the tune of jingle bells...

2006-01-07T21:51:00.000-08:00

blog blog blog..blog blog blog...blog blog blog...blog blog....

ahem....

2006-01-06T22:58:00.002-08:00

boy...am i ever depressing when i muse...i suppose its because i use up all my humor and charm talking all the time...

writing is my chance to sort out my thoughts....

i was always too serious...

this is why i can't wait to immerse myself in island culture again....

to be around people who don't take themselves quite so seriously and can laugh at their quirks...

laughing is a top pastime...

it will make it to my fingers eventually..

musings..

2006-01-06T10:49:00.000-08:00

Within the span of 27 years...I have undertaken many different identities...i, in essence may just be a shape shifter...my ability to take on a new persona is almost frightening.

its growing old..i am less and less interested in being someone i'm not, trying to impress my peers or prove myself worthy..'i just want to be myself'...a comman coined cliche..

so this leaves me questioning..who am i really..

is there anything i possess which is truely my own...everything i know has been borrowed from someone else..

in so many words...we all copy cat what we see...our identities are pieced together from multiple encounters with the outside world, its rules and our closest kin.

my mother taught me to dress, eat and set in place my framework for viewing the world..my friends and popular culture set in motion my choices concerning fashion, music, even lingo...

'cool culture' tapped its foot, cleaving my decisions, announcing aloud what i could and could not do..

'christian culture' shook its head and frowned....

my family agreed...

why can't this girl get it together...?

i tried, gosh did i try...

Emptying every vat of culture i attempted to assimilate myself in look and gesture..

gaining supporters for a season, I learned to play along....

copy cat school complete..i graduated with honors...

but then...

i always seemd to leak.

opening at the seams, my akward self rushes to spill all over the floor...

much to my despair, the facade fragments and I am immediately branded 'wierd'.

quite overwhelming for a ten year old.

not concerning for the other ten year olds..

this is not a rant...a whine or a self pity parade...

its the reality of my experience...

a cycle of events which replays on repeat..

until the present.

so here i am being dramatic..i know who i am..getting back to the basics of self..

the self which was orchestrated and ordered

the self which was molded and quartered

the self who was taught and disordered

the self.

christmas

2005-12-25T11:21:00.000-08:00

i have no sense of christmas. holidays seem to have lost their gleam in a rollercoaster of kitch.

the most beautiful thing about this christmas was the amount of friends who invited me to join in their christmas celebrations. it was really touching. that was chritmas for me. the realization that i am appreciated and that i love many people in return.

i am not an island. but often feel disconnected from traditional family practises.

i miss my family.

Christ seems like a lingering smell which evokes memory. when i breathe in sulfer mingled with wax i think on him...but find it difficult to find him in the services which retell his story. he is trapped on a flannel board in two dimension. this year i could not help thinking on how Christ is so very white and north american in my mind. i have many jewish friends and wonder how they picture Christ in their minds. its funny that i serve a man/God who is outside my ethnic traditions. who is the Jewish Christ and why is he north american in portrayal.

hes called the prince of peace. funny..he should be renamed the prince of conflict. i have never encountered one man who created so many uncomfortable conversations.

most of my friends agree that their is a God...but Christ brings on a whole new level of division. its wonder and agony in the same breath. this leads me to question...who is this Christ...and why do i love him.....

i know what i've seen

i know what i've felt

but still i wrestle..

one man...only one...

i am so limited in my understanding...

assumption will be my undoing.

yep...

2005-12-25T10:48:00.000-08:00

Here it is..the official Barb headspace...yep...its crazy...its random...and its a place for me to cough up my thoughts and leak them onto a page..i am hungry to write...it has been a very long time since i have let myself express...my mouth has long been the authority in my expression makeup...in light of this i need to put that boca to rest in order to let my fingers do the talking for a change...

cliches are so touche..

it seems that i have around twenty voices clammering for attention. My interests are so widespread that i feel in a constant state of fast forward....when i do quiet myself it actually grows so loud that i move my body to fidget in order to block out the yelling inside. A lot has occured...my foundations have been displaced...I am questioning everthing i believed since i was a child. I change my mind twenty times a day and feel as if my thoughts are constantly taking on new form...i am liquid and longing to solidify...my mind has become a mess of dread locks in a state of direpair..

i plod forward...on and on placing one foot in front of the other...this is what i've been taught..this is what i know...stepping rythmically..always rythmically...my senses alive yet dulled purposefully...

lately..stepping off the path..lingering in a place of taboo...wondering at the new sensations i experience...is this growth...or do i step deeper into confusion? My friends stand by dutifully...i am blessed with such lovely and supportive friends...like a sample on repeat i churn out the same sad story..over and over and over...robotically going through the motions without change.

i am sleeping. in hibernation..

yet...my body screams...i am so alive..ready to burst if not given the chance to create..

i feel..i want...i long....i..i..i..

i feel is all i can write...

iiiiiiii am so self consumed..

i'm glad its winter...it shocks me into living. everytime i see my breath fan out in front of me i'm relieved. this first piece of writing reveals my pent nature. There is much good to say..but negativity is the scum which rises to the surface of the pool. it needs to be skimmed off the top in an attempt to get to cleaner water. I am very often hard on myself. the world seems to fade all around me and i feel urgency to right myself in contrast to what i see around me.

i'm going to let myself write without thinking...to possibly find myself written between the lines.