christmas

i have no sense of christmas. holidays seem to have lost their gleam in a rollercoaster of kitch.

the most beautiful thing about this christmas was the amount of friends who invited me to join in their christmas celebrations. it was really touching. that was chritmas for me. the realization that i am appreciated and that i love many people in return.

i am not an island. but often feel disconnected from traditional family practises.

i miss my family.

Christ seems like a lingering smell which evokes memory. when i breathe in sulfer mingled with wax i think on him...but find it difficult to find him in the services which retell his story. he is trapped on a flannel board in two dimension. this year i could not help thinking on how Christ is so very white and north american in my mind. i have many jewish friends and wonder how they picture Christ in their minds. its funny that i serve a man/God who is outside my ethnic traditions. who is the Jewish Christ and why is he north american in portrayal.

hes called the prince of peace. funny..he should be renamed the prince of conflict. i have never encountered one man who created so many uncomfortable conversations.

most of my friends agree that their is a God...but Christ brings on a whole new level of division. its wonder and agony in the same breath. this leads me to question...who is this Christ...and why do i love him.....

i know what i've seen

i know what i've felt

but still i wrestle..

one man...only one...

i am so limited in my understanding...

assumption will be my undoing.