christmas

i have no sense of christmas. holidays seem to have lost their gleam in a rollercoaster of kitch.

the most beautiful thing about this christmas was the amount of friends who invited me to join in their christmas celebrations. it was really touching. that was chritmas for me. the realization that i am appreciated and that i love many people in return.

i am not an island. but often feel disconnected from traditional family practises.

i miss my family.

Christ seems like a lingering smell which evokes memory. when i breathe in sulfer mingled with wax i think on him...but find it difficult to find him in the services which retell his story. he is trapped on a flannel board in two dimension. this year i could not help thinking on how Christ is so very white and north american in my mind. i have many jewish friends and wonder how they picture Christ in their minds. its funny that i serve a man/God who is outside my ethnic traditions. who is the Jewish Christ and why is he north american in portrayal.

hes called the prince of peace. funny..he should be renamed the prince of conflict. i have never encountered one man who created so many uncomfortable conversations.

most of my friends agree that their is a God...but Christ brings on a whole new level of division. its wonder and agony in the same breath. this leads me to question...who is this Christ...and why do i love him.....

i know what i've seen

i know what i've felt

but still i wrestle..

one man...only one...

i am so limited in my understanding...

assumption will be my undoing.

yep...

Here it is..the official Barb headspace...yep...its crazy...its random...and its a place for me to cough up my thoughts and leak them onto a page..i am hungry to write...it has been a very long time since i have let myself express...my mouth has long been the authority in my expression makeup...in light of this i need to put that boca to rest in order to let my fingers do the talking for a change...

cliches are so touche..

it seems that i have around twenty voices clammering for attention. My interests are so widespread that i feel in a constant state of fast forward....when i do quiet myself it actually grows so loud that i move my body to fidget in order to block out the yelling inside. A lot has occured...my foundations have been displaced...I am questioning everthing i believed since i was a child. I change my mind twenty times a day and feel as if my thoughts are constantly taking on new form...i am liquid and longing to solidify...my mind has become a mess of dread locks in a state of direpair..

i plod forward...on and on placing one foot in front of the other...this is what i've been taught..this is what i know...stepping rythmically..always rythmically...my senses alive yet dulled purposefully...

lately..stepping off the path..lingering in a place of taboo...wondering at the new sensations i experience...is this growth...or do i step deeper into confusion? My friends stand by dutifully...i am blessed with such lovely and supportive friends...like a sample on repeat i churn out the same sad story..over and over and over...robotically going through the motions without change.

i am sleeping. in hibernation..

yet...my body screams...i am so alive..ready to burst if not given the chance to create..

i feel..i want...i long....i..i..i..

i feel is all i can write...

iiiiiiii am so self consumed..

i'm glad its winter...it shocks me into living. everytime i see my breath fan out in front of me i'm relieved. this first piece of writing reveals my pent nature. There is much good to say..but negativity is the scum which rises to the surface of the pool. it needs to be skimmed off the top in an attempt to get to cleaner water. I am very often hard on myself. the world seems to fade all around me and i feel urgency to right myself in contrast to what i see around me.

i'm going to let myself write without thinking...to possibly find myself written between the lines.